ok, so no regrets hey? For me to not regret something I have to have gotten something out of it. So wat did I get from meeting these people and having them in my life for a short period of time? I know alot of bad came from it, but its happened, so lets learn from it. Ok, i learnt that I am someone that people are drawn too, I am someone that people can be jealous of (I never thought anyone wud ever want to be me), I got back into the socialising and slept with my first guy since I broke up with my abusive boyfriend a year ago, I learnt to speak up for myself a bit more, i became more aware of my weaknesses and my need to manage them, i learnt a bit more about myself - some gud & some bad - they made me smile sometimes, i started feeling a bit more comfortable with myself, my naivity was broken a bit, better preparing me for the world, making me open my eyes a bit more…

I’m still in bed, but I’m thinking about getting up :) this might be a gud day!!

sereeene:

Admit it. You’re the ‘advice giver’ to a problematic friend, but when it comes to your own problems you can’t find a solution.

I really need to stop thinking about this but i just had a quick thought. Maybe the reason you feel so much better without me is that now you can go back to being the top dog? U are once again the one who has their life together the most within your group of friends. U are the one they come to again. And you dont have to look at me, who although i have issues in my head i am doing pretty well in life. I have a good secure job, I’ve never been fired, I am studying at uni, I have no financial issues, I just bought a new car cus I dont throw all my money away on crap and hence was able to afford it! I am respected and loved, I am valued in every area of my life. I have healthy beneficial rlelationships (although sometimes my mental issues get me seeking out the wrong ones). I’m pretty, I have prospects and plans that are coming to fruition for my future. All your friends and everyone we came in contact with was really liking me. To u it seemed like everything came easy to me. I think that started to piss u off. Where at first it seemed like we were so similar, we were light years apart and i think u saw that before I did. Ur response was to try and crush me into the ground, cus then you wud feel powerful and successful again. Instead of making ur life better so u cud be happier, u bring those around u into ur world at the bottom. I work damn hard for everything I have and have achieved, and my life has been pretty horrendous at some points but I’m still here!!! Nothing came easy to me, in fact u and your even more manipulative bestie have had even more chances than me in life and u are no where near me hunni :) A part of me wants to meet u again in a few years so u can see and I can see! Thats not the sign of a gud person tho, i need to let that crap go. Remeber instead that these people are less than nothing to me, so stop giving them power and thought.

Enough with the intense and depressive! Its time to be happy :)

Ahh, stupidly i contacted one of the friends that messed me up, just to explain wat had been and was going on in my head and try and take some of the blame for the situation myself, because as we all know it takes two to tango. During the time I was friends with her she had too recurring issues that kept causing her to have break downs, her mentally unstable boyfriend and their relationship that really is nothing more than an attempt for each to be a bandaid over the others inner demons, and her toxic relationship with her best friend. He is an alcoholic and drug addict, very confused about his sexuality and hating himself for it but in the meantime treating everyone like crap and using manipulation and emotional warfare to get what he wants. She wud cry for hours about these issues, and i wud do wat i cud. Now I know this girl is toxic to me, and I shud be cutting her cold turkey but i guess i wanted closure? Anyway she says to me that she is doing heaps better without me because the whole time I was dragging her down. It kinda makes me wonder how all those problems, that she had long before she met me mind u, magically fixed themselves because i left the picture? Her boyfriend and her best friend are still who they are I presume, especially after only a few days?

Another thing she reffered to was some really harsh (i admit it) home truths I told her about the way she treats people and lets them into her life. She’s basically threatening me saying that i pissed off alot of people with wat i said, and basically i better be careful. Well…i’m not scared because she has noone that is that close to her or has enough balls do anything and it just makes me realise that some people cant handle the truth. Denial is easier than admitting you’ve made mistakes and putting in the work to change them.

Well now I know everything is said and done between us and whilst it upset me a bit hearing those things I think they were more a culmination of her own issues and a desire to pin the blame on anyone else other than those she still has in her life, because without them she has nothing? Is it emotional blackmail? Shud I care? I alrealdy know the answer to that lol. But can anyone else reaffirm this for me, help me understand a bit better? I need to move on with my life now, get back on track and starting putting the effort i put into others, into her, into myself :)

I have bipolar :( I’m still learning to manage it and I’ve just emerged from a depressive stage where every breathe felt like a crushing despair. Luckily this only lasted for a few days this time. You feel exhausted and drained but optimistic again. I cant tell you the lightness you feel when once again you can see a promising future when all you’ve felt is that you will never be happy again. Its not like you all of a sudden feel that everything is gonna be ok with flowers and butterflies :p your just back to normal (whatever that is) and when you have such extreme highs and lows, thats all you want out of life. I’m scared that this is going to be the way things are for the rest of my life, but i hope that with some effort, some help and some education it well get easier. So, I’ll keep you updated i guess, and hopefully help some others out there -_-